Ali's Teenage Years Begin

Things were so much better. I provided a roof over our heads, food in our mouths, clothing, rides to school, extras. Also, my guilt over the past made me overindulge and be permissive with my children, Ali soon learned that if she asked in the right way, with her sweet blue eyes gazing at me hopefully, she would pretty much get what she wanted.

I decided to lose my annoying job as a restaurant manager in order to return to school and become a counselor. I wanted to help those who were in the shoes I had been in. I didn't want to just go to work, I wanted to follow a calling and have a purpose and so forth. Suddenly I was driven by grades and desire.

Add to that a discovery of the internet and all the wonders of that, and I was really busy with life.

Now years later, I reflect back ...

How does it feel to be a counselor and yet have my daughter going through so many issues: mentally, physically, emotionally, and not know so much of what she was going through? Presumably right under my nose, although she managed to stay under the radar much of the time, to be honest.

Pretty ironic, to say the least. I do definitely fall into morosity at times, asking myself why I didn't, and telling myself I should have ... but it really does no good. When it comes to self-talk, I just try to tell myself that...

A. I did the best I could with what I knew, and when I knew better, I did better.

B. Everyone knows (or, they say) that counselors are great at fixing others but not their own families.

C. I was super-duper busy, between work, school, internships, and an admitted addiction to the internet, in the early-to-mid 2000s ... I was trying to make something of myself. And by all accounts, I have. So it wasn't like I was being neglectful because I was fucking up or purposely blowing her off.

And in the end, who knows except that it was what it was at the time. Believe me, as I look back I see the signs of it all. The PTSD, the substance abuse and mental health issues resulting in moods and erratic behavior, the eating disorder cleverly masked by cutting and other disturbing behaviors ...

When Ali was 13, she shrieked at me during a disagreement, "you ruined my life!" and that seems, looking back, like this was the start of the descent into hell for her. I agreed with her, told her she needed counseling again (an attempt had been made when we were reunited by CPS when she was younger), and thus begun that saga. The cutting behavior was the main focus of the counseling, and she did seem to stop, or at least go underground with it.

Ali had always been a complicated, somewhat secretive about certain topics, opinionated, and stubborn girl. As she grew into her teens, this became more pronounced. I found myself losing my tempter at times with her, slamming doors and swearing, leaving the house in anger, sometimes dreading coming home from work or school. I suppose this is why, when she had friends with whom she would stay overnight, I gladly let her go! We both, I believe, needed a break.

Another way that Ali had been complicated and secretive, yet so obvious to the rest of us, was regarding her sexuality. It seemed that her brother and I had pegged early on that she was likely going to be lesbian or bisexual when she came of age. Mentioning this to Ali resulted in her freaking out, so we learned not to make comments to her and keep our opinions to ourselves. She had very close attachments to females, as well as admiring certain celebrities who were female. Yet did not really seem to care about boys and whenever a man and woman kissing was shown in a movie, she literally gagged. 

I was always open with my children about my own orientation, which is bisexual in nature. I encouraged them to be open in return, but Ali balked at this. She professed to be completely asexual, with no interest in romance whatsoever. This changed too as she moved into her teens, and she began to date boys, treating them horribly, like petty serfs who were beneath her. Because she is so darn beautiful, she got away with this.

Then she became friends with and eventually dated "Henry," and so many things changed for the better. I thought we were over the humps and bumps and now, at long last,  things with Ali would be smooth sailing.

Yeah, right ...

Beginnings

When I look back at my children's lives, I see myself having this huge, wonderful, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I blew it.

For all of my children, but especially my oldest and youngest. I made choices that put them into danger. That created instability and fear within their hearts. That traumatized and shattered them, And really, it was all over what strong women around the world who know better now call "a stupid guy" ... and a stupid drug ... meth in a needle.

I chased the guy, well ... once he stopped chasing me, and caught me. You know how that typical tale goes. The quintessential bad boy who claimed to be my knight in shining armor. Turned out I went from one bad mistake to another when it came to men. I was severely co-dependent as well, thinking I needed to have someone in my life to validate me. And of course, he did not validate me. He was a classic, controlling, abusive type ... what I later learned in DV training is called the "Cobra."

At any rate, I wound up throwing away the opportunity to give my children the life they deserved and needed. I take ownership of that and sometimes feel as if I will always be punished on some level for failing them as I did. But in the context of this blog and how this all affected Ali in particular ...

Ali was so young when her father came out of drug treatment and moved back into the house, I want to say at age 2. Within 3 months of his return, he had relapsed and eventually convinced me to start using with him again as well. We started out smoking it this time, a control tactic that lasted about 2 months before we were slamming, and back into the whole rat race life that came with that.

Many stupid and pathetic choices later, we were living in hotels and on people's couches, always out of food, always without resources, always scrounging. People in and out of our lives, and having contact with our family, and having access to our home. It is true I did not personally make the worst of the choices, but I allowed them to happen. I may have been passive and gotten  swept along, but I chose to be that way.

Eventually the bottom fell out. He was arrested, I went to treatment, the younger kids were taken by CPS while my oldest son fell through the legal cracks. I divorced him, I got my kids back, and we all lived happily ever after.

Yeah right ...